There’s one thing that all tweens have in common: They try to act
like grownups. That means that they want to go to sleepovers, talk to
their friends on the phone, and stay out as long as they can get away
with. Another way they attempt to mirror adult behavior is to chat with
people using social media.
But here’s the problem: The people that your pre-teen son or daughter
may be chatting with may not be one of his or her peers at all. It
could actually be an adult posing as a kid online. These individuals may
be sitting at home, in their cars, or in cubicles alone somewhere. Sadly, some of these grownups are sexual predators.
It’s natural for a parent to want to protect their children from
dangers in cyberspace by banning them from using computers or social
media. But kids (especially tweens) will probably find a way to engage
in that activity anyway. So the best strategy is to teach them about the
hazards of the Internet – so they can have the tools to navigate the
Web safely.
The first step for parents is to sit down with their tweens and
educate them about what can happen if they aren’t careful. Tell the
youngsters that they shouldn’t chat with anyone online that they don’t
know in real life. That’s because many people pretend to be someone else
while in a chat room (even their profile photo may be a fake). To
prevent unwanted conversation, teens should only enter chat rooms that
are private and populated by their friends and peers – and should always
log off before leaving the website.
Furthermore, parents should spell out for their tweens what types of
information should remain private. This includes their home address,
phone numbers, and social security number. Criminals can use this
information against the tweens and their families, so it should never be
given out over the Web – especially in a chat room.
It’s also important for parents to train their tween to look for
warning signs of inappropriate activity. This includes overly personal
or even obscene language, an offer of expensive gifts, or a request to
meet in person. It’s not a bad idea to tell the tween to trust his or
her gut; if something feels a little off, then it probably isn’t what it
appears to be.
Finally, if this inappropriate chatting occurs when the parent is at
home, the tween should leave the screen open and go get the parent
immediately. Then the parent should contact the police and give them as
much information as possible about the suspicious behavior, chat room
participant, or messages.
Statistically speaking, the chances of any given child being
victimized by a sexual predator are quite low. But online chat rooms are
still a common tactic used by these deviants to lure unsuspecting
tweens into their clutches. Protecting your tweens against these
monsters requires vigilance and education on your part.
Contributor: Chris Martin is a freelance writer who
writes for numerous websites and is also a ghostwriter for several
blogs. In addition, he is an accomplished voice actor and an experienced
sportscaster. Martin has also worked as a radio DJ, a traffic reporter,
and a public address announcer for sporting events.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Teen Dating: Establishing Healthy Relationships in the Technology Age
When your teen starts dating it can be a time of added stress.
Now this part of life is compounded with the use of the digital world.
Skout, a mobile flirting application that uses GPS technology has been linked to three instances of sexual assault in recent weeks. In response, the under-18 portion of the community has been shut down as its organizers work to develop better safeguards.
The mobile dating site, which was originally created for adults, uses GPS technology that allows users to see nearby singles. In a safety precaution, the app does not reveal street addresses.
However, if you were at your neighborhood grocery store, you would be able to check your phone to see if another single was in the area, check the profile and then send an IM or text if you were interested in meeting that person.
In the teen version of Skout, the app pinpointed other users’ locations within a half-mile radius, and though it was supposed to be a safeguard, it proved to be the perfect tool for predators to scout their victims. In all three instances, adults took advantage of underage teens; but GPS is also a tool that can be used in teenaged dating abuse.
A technologically savvy teen can use GPS to monitor a dating partner, either through cell phones or other devices. Often, GPS isn’t needed to monitor a teenager’s location.
With the ability to update a Facebook status, Tweet or even “Check-in” via Facebook, teenagers are revealing their locations all the time.
In the past, teen dating abuse was more easily identified. Ten years ago, when landlines were the norm and phone bills had limited minutes, abusive behavior like excessive phone calls would have been easy to identify. Today, teens can put their cell phones on silent and receive unlimited texts, masking abusive behavior from parents.
"I call it an electronic leash," said psychotherapist Dr. Jill Murray in an interview with ABC News. "I've had girls come into my office with cell phone bills showing 9,000 text messages and calls in a month. This is all hours of the day and night. And it's threatening.'Hi. How are you? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?'" Considering a teen’s constant attachment to his or her cell phone, the potential control for the abuser is virtually unlimited.
In addition to the private world of text messaging, the world of social media offers abusive teens a public platform to humiliate and degrade their partners.
Teens can use Facebook or Twitter to insult their partners or reveal embarrassing, false or intimate information about the victim. Abusive partners can even use this potential public humiliation as a form of blackmail.
You might be surprised to learn just how common it is for teens to develop an abusive relationship. The National Center for Victims of Crime cites that over 40 percent of both genders report having been involved in some form of dating violence at least once during high school.
If you recognize that your teen is in an abusive relationship, your first reaction may be to begin limiting freedoms such as Internet and cell phone use, but often teens in an abusive relationship don’t confide in their parents for fear of such restrictions.
Remember, the victim in an abusive relationship is often made to feel as though he or she has done something wrong. A reaction that could be seen as a “punishment” could only increase feelings of low self-esteem and could further alienate your teen from you and other positive support groups – while the abuser will see the opportunity to slip into the position of the ally.
Instead of revoking mobile access, you could recommend this app for your teen. It was made for college students, as a peer-based support system to help escape social situations, but it can easily apply to the teen dating world. In this app, GPS is used to empower the victim, proving that technology can be a helpful tool in avoiding abuse.
The app is called “Circle of 6” and it allows users to easily contact 6 people with discreet SOS messages:
"Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are..." and "Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption."
If you notice that your teen’s partner is becoming too controlling, a good strategy is to engage in a project or take more trips together. You can also offer to facilitate outings for your teen and his or her friends. You can also go on trips and invite your teen and his or her significant other. The goal is to offer your teen examples of healthy, positive relationships that will contrast the negative emotions spurred by the abusive one.
Contributor: Amelia Wood is a blogger and freelance writer who often writes to explain medical billing and coding online. She welcomes your questions and comments at amelia1612@gmail.com.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Now this part of life is compounded with the use of the digital world.
Skout, a mobile flirting application that uses GPS technology has been linked to three instances of sexual assault in recent weeks. In response, the under-18 portion of the community has been shut down as its organizers work to develop better safeguards.
The mobile dating site, which was originally created for adults, uses GPS technology that allows users to see nearby singles. In a safety precaution, the app does not reveal street addresses.
However, if you were at your neighborhood grocery store, you would be able to check your phone to see if another single was in the area, check the profile and then send an IM or text if you were interested in meeting that person.
In the teen version of Skout, the app pinpointed other users’ locations within a half-mile radius, and though it was supposed to be a safeguard, it proved to be the perfect tool for predators to scout their victims. In all three instances, adults took advantage of underage teens; but GPS is also a tool that can be used in teenaged dating abuse.
A technologically savvy teen can use GPS to monitor a dating partner, either through cell phones or other devices. Often, GPS isn’t needed to monitor a teenager’s location.
With the ability to update a Facebook status, Tweet or even “Check-in” via Facebook, teenagers are revealing their locations all the time.
In the past, teen dating abuse was more easily identified. Ten years ago, when landlines were the norm and phone bills had limited minutes, abusive behavior like excessive phone calls would have been easy to identify. Today, teens can put their cell phones on silent and receive unlimited texts, masking abusive behavior from parents.
"I call it an electronic leash," said psychotherapist Dr. Jill Murray in an interview with ABC News. "I've had girls come into my office with cell phone bills showing 9,000 text messages and calls in a month. This is all hours of the day and night. And it's threatening.'Hi. How are you? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?'" Considering a teen’s constant attachment to his or her cell phone, the potential control for the abuser is virtually unlimited.
In addition to the private world of text messaging, the world of social media offers abusive teens a public platform to humiliate and degrade their partners.
Teens can use Facebook or Twitter to insult their partners or reveal embarrassing, false or intimate information about the victim. Abusive partners can even use this potential public humiliation as a form of blackmail.
You might be surprised to learn just how common it is for teens to develop an abusive relationship. The National Center for Victims of Crime cites that over 40 percent of both genders report having been involved in some form of dating violence at least once during high school.
If you recognize that your teen is in an abusive relationship, your first reaction may be to begin limiting freedoms such as Internet and cell phone use, but often teens in an abusive relationship don’t confide in their parents for fear of such restrictions.
Remember, the victim in an abusive relationship is often made to feel as though he or she has done something wrong. A reaction that could be seen as a “punishment” could only increase feelings of low self-esteem and could further alienate your teen from you and other positive support groups – while the abuser will see the opportunity to slip into the position of the ally.
Instead of revoking mobile access, you could recommend this app for your teen. It was made for college students, as a peer-based support system to help escape social situations, but it can easily apply to the teen dating world. In this app, GPS is used to empower the victim, proving that technology can be a helpful tool in avoiding abuse.
The app is called “Circle of 6” and it allows users to easily contact 6 people with discreet SOS messages:
"Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are..." and "Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption."
If you notice that your teen’s partner is becoming too controlling, a good strategy is to engage in a project or take more trips together. You can also offer to facilitate outings for your teen and his or her friends. You can also go on trips and invite your teen and his or her significant other. The goal is to offer your teen examples of healthy, positive relationships that will contrast the negative emotions spurred by the abusive one.
Contributor: Amelia Wood is a blogger and freelance writer who often writes to explain medical billing and coding online. She welcomes your questions and comments at amelia1612@gmail.com.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Teen Summer Job Tips
Summer is here and school is out. But it can't be all vacations and barbecues. It's time to get to work!
If you've got kids in high school, or even home from college, you may be thinking: how do I make my son or daughter get off the couch and go get a summer job?
Summer employment, besides subsidizing your child's own expenses, can teach him or her about work ethic, social skills, discipline, financial management, and generally help prepare the way for a long and happy career in "the real world."
Below are some pointers to help you get the ball rolling:
1. Set the expectations. The first thing you need to consider is the rationale. Is it generically good for your teen to have a job? Why, yes. But it's important to establish your priorities for why this is important. Make sure your teen understands that this is not optional, or they may be inclined to put off the job-seeking until it's too late. Set specific targets (3 applications a day, or a hard deadline after which you can go with a sure thing, even if it's not the first choice).
2. Start the search early. It's already June, so it's time to move. Chances are with your teen's school schedule, starting now will leave only 2-2½ months to work, which is about as short a span as anyone wants to hire for.
3. Apply gentle pressure. If there's any foot-dragging going on, some of it may be genuine nervousness; this stuff is still new and unfamiliar, after all. Talk about it on a daily basis, but try not to nag.
4. Help put together a resume. In all likelihood your teen's resume is thin. Think outside the box and include academic achievements, community service, and extracurricular activities. Show them how best to emphasize the desired aspects of each activity.
5. Use your own network. Don't feel bad about asking around with your own contacts. Part of what you aim to achieve may be some self-sufficiency on your youngster's part, but it may be more important just to get something started, and as you've surely learned as an adult, who you know counts as much as anything. Nepotism is underrated: being on familiar terms with your child's boss can be reassuring, and it may actually make your child a better worker if they know your reputation's tied up in it a little.
6. Look online. Monster.com and Craigslist are two of the most popular job-search sites for adults, but you'll have to filter results (and be particularly cautious with the latter) to make sure the environment is suitable for a minor to work in. Never give your personal information such as your social security number online to people on Craigslists especially. You need to be very careful there. Be sure they are legitimate.
7. Meet the employer. If your child's working for a stranger, don't let it stay that way. Make sure that some time (preferably before the start date, but certainly during the first week), you find an excuse to stop by and shake hands with the boss.
8. Consider volunteering. If money is not the primary goal for you or your teen, volunteer work can be a great way to keep busy, build a resume, and help the world. It's a tough job market out there, too, and it may be a good year not to sweat the whole summer-job thing too much. Plus, community service opportunities are naturally more likely to be flexible with granting time off for summer trips!
This guest post comes courtesy of Susan Wells. Susan is a freelance blogger who enjoys writing about automotive and health news, technology, lifestyle and personal finance. She often researches and writes about automobile, property and health insurance, providing consumers with access to a trustworthy insurance quote guide and unbiased advice on purchasing. Susan welcomes comments.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
If you've got kids in high school, or even home from college, you may be thinking: how do I make my son or daughter get off the couch and go get a summer job?
Summer employment, besides subsidizing your child's own expenses, can teach him or her about work ethic, social skills, discipline, financial management, and generally help prepare the way for a long and happy career in "the real world."
Below are some pointers to help you get the ball rolling:
1. Set the expectations. The first thing you need to consider is the rationale. Is it generically good for your teen to have a job? Why, yes. But it's important to establish your priorities for why this is important. Make sure your teen understands that this is not optional, or they may be inclined to put off the job-seeking until it's too late. Set specific targets (3 applications a day, or a hard deadline after which you can go with a sure thing, even if it's not the first choice).
2. Start the search early. It's already June, so it's time to move. Chances are with your teen's school schedule, starting now will leave only 2-2½ months to work, which is about as short a span as anyone wants to hire for.
3. Apply gentle pressure. If there's any foot-dragging going on, some of it may be genuine nervousness; this stuff is still new and unfamiliar, after all. Talk about it on a daily basis, but try not to nag.
4. Help put together a resume. In all likelihood your teen's resume is thin. Think outside the box and include academic achievements, community service, and extracurricular activities. Show them how best to emphasize the desired aspects of each activity.
5. Use your own network. Don't feel bad about asking around with your own contacts. Part of what you aim to achieve may be some self-sufficiency on your youngster's part, but it may be more important just to get something started, and as you've surely learned as an adult, who you know counts as much as anything. Nepotism is underrated: being on familiar terms with your child's boss can be reassuring, and it may actually make your child a better worker if they know your reputation's tied up in it a little.
6. Look online. Monster.com and Craigslist are two of the most popular job-search sites for adults, but you'll have to filter results (and be particularly cautious with the latter) to make sure the environment is suitable for a minor to work in. Never give your personal information such as your social security number online to people on Craigslists especially. You need to be very careful there. Be sure they are legitimate.
7. Meet the employer. If your child's working for a stranger, don't let it stay that way. Make sure that some time (preferably before the start date, but certainly during the first week), you find an excuse to stop by and shake hands with the boss.
8. Consider volunteering. If money is not the primary goal for you or your teen, volunteer work can be a great way to keep busy, build a resume, and help the world. It's a tough job market out there, too, and it may be a good year not to sweat the whole summer-job thing too much. Plus, community service opportunities are naturally more likely to be flexible with granting time off for summer trips!
This guest post comes courtesy of Susan Wells. Susan is a freelance blogger who enjoys writing about automotive and health news, technology, lifestyle and personal finance. She often researches and writes about automobile, property and health insurance, providing consumers with access to a trustworthy insurance quote guide and unbiased advice on purchasing. Susan welcomes comments.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Managing Peer Pressure: 4 Steps to Help Your Teen Cope
There is no denying how awkward the teenage years are. Surging hormones, increasing responsibility, and feeling a lack of control over their lives have long caused stress among teens. Parents might struggle to find sympathy when their teenager moans how hard their life is but it is true more than ever for today's teens. A parent's job is to help guide their child through this time, hopefully having them emerge from the chrysalis as a competent adult.
One problem teens struggle to deal with is pressure. Non-stop access to social media has made it difficult for them to learn to switch off. As their parent, you can help them develop the skills they need to manage pressure in a positive way, without turning to damaging alternatives like alcohol or drugs.
1. Switching Off
Put your teen in an environment where there are no distractions like television, computers or phones. A weekend's camping, or even a short hike, can help them to learn that there won't be a disaster if they don't reply to that text straight away. Living in a world where immediate responses are possible, doesn't mean they are always necessary. Time away will help your teen develop confidence in the knowledge that they can step back now and then, without losing social status.
2. Taking Control
So many aspects of a teen's life are outside of their control. They may be nearly adults, but they are still dependent on their parents for basic needs. It is important that they still have restrictions and guidelines around their activities - most teens have not yet developed the emotional maturity to always act in their best interests. Work with your teen to help them learn to make the right decisions. Just as you would have done when they were toddlers, give them several suitable options and let them choose, such as about curfew punishments. Give them a safe environment for them to feel the repercussions of being irresponsible. If you always make the right decision for them, they won't learn to make decisions for themselves.
3. Keeping Healthy
Teaching your teens the benefits of eating well and being active will benefit them all their lives. A good diet, regular exercise, and enough sleep all help prevent depression and mood swings. Likewise, food stuffed with additives and chemicals, and poor sleeping habits can exacerbate a bad mood. Get your teen involved with planning and cooking family meals. Encourage them to be active by walking to school if it is close enough, and not taking the car or bus everywhere. For some teens, just being outside is a step in the right direction.
4. Building Confidence
Pressure usually comes from the fear of failure. Help your teen build their confidence so that they not only learn to trust themselves and their ability; they learn that it is ok to make mistakes. Encourage them to try new things. Show them by example that the learning process doesn't stop once you leave school. Don't hide your own mistakes, but talk to them about what you have tried and what you have learned. In a world of instant gratification, it may seem to them success should be immediate too. Help them see alternative ways of achieving their goals.
The teenage years are the last phase of intensive parenting before your child heads into the world as an adult. Pressure in life is inevitable, but giving your teen the tools to manage it will help them cope without feeling overwhelmed.
Kirsty Smith is a parent of 3 teenage boys. She is an experienced writer and blogger, covering a wide range of subjects including food, parenting, travel, and education. She also contributes to Degree Jungle a resource for students.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Terrible Things Teens Say Online About their Parents
Brace yourself parents!
Is this a time to say, "It's not my kid?"
Though venting their displeasure regarding parental rules and restrictions is nothing new for tweens and teens, the current generation isn’t limited to bashing their parents to one friend at a time over the telephone; now, they can air their grievances in one of the world’s most public forums: Twitter.
Here are ten of the terrible things tweens have been saying for generations, but now say with a hashtag to emphasize their point.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Is this a time to say, "It's not my kid?"
Though venting their displeasure regarding parental rules and restrictions is nothing new for tweens and teens, the current generation isn’t limited to bashing their parents to one friend at a time over the telephone; now, they can air their grievances in one of the world’s most public forums: Twitter.
Here are ten of the terrible things tweens have been saying for generations, but now say with a hashtag to emphasize their point.
- “It’s Not Fair!” – The battle cry of older kids for decades can now be shouted from the rooftops; it’s less than one hundred and forty characters, and allows plenty of room for creative hashtagging.
- Physical Insults – Kids often speak without thinking in the heat of indignation; once upon a time, the hurtful insults about their parents’ physical appearances were limited to a few sets of ears. Now, anyone with access to a Twitter feed can see exactly what a tween finds disagreeable about their parents’ appearance.
- “It’s My Life!” – Often used in tandem with the old faithful “it’s not fair,” kids that are just starting to assert their independence love to claim that they are, in fact, the masters of their own lives. Also like “it’s not fair,” “it’s my life” is short enough to leave room for heavy-hitting hashtags.
- Airing Sensitive and Private Information – Kids that are angry or hurt will lash out in any way possible; often, this means sharing personal and potentially humiliating information. Before the days of social networking, the scope was limited to those that could physically hear a tween’s angry shouts.
- “I Hate My Parents!” – Few phrases strike a parent to the heart like “I hate you.” Unfortunately, most kids will utter those dreaded words at some point, and today’s kids can also drive the point home with an angry tweet.
- “You’re Not Even My Real Mom!” – When disputes erupt in blended families, an angry tween’s go-to response is “you’re not even my real parent!” When these statements find their way to social networking sites, it can create even more distance in an already shaky relationship.
- “My Parents Are So Stupid!” – Mark Twain famously said, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.” This age-old sentiment has been on the lips of kids for decades; now it’s on their Twitter feeds as well.
- Using Foul Language to Drive the Point Home – Rebellious kids will often resort to profanity in an attempt to underscore their frustration and to elicit a response from parents. When they do so in a forum as public as Twitter, the humiliation a parent feels in this situation is increased exponentially.
- “My Parents are Too Old to Understand!” – The young always feel that their parents are out of touch with modern ways of thinking; this sentiment is both tweeted and the belief in it exhibited by a tween thinking that their parents are too out of touch to operate Twitter in order to find their comments.
- Name Calling – When kids resort to publicly calling their parents rude or profane names, it’s both a bid for acceptance from their peers and a way of exhibiting how “adult” they are. Twitter offers tweens not only a venue for airing their thoughts, but a platform for their peers to encourage their poor behavior.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Teens and College: 5 Tips for Starting the Conversation
Nothing is more difficult as a parent than watching your babies leave the nest.
This moment can happen at any age, but one of the most common associations is on the day they start college courses.
Even if your child will be living at home for a few years when they start school, the beginning of college still marks the beginning of their adult life. So, how do you prepare your kids for the process of choosing a college based on their needs? And, how do you do this while recognizing that this decision is, ultimately, up to your child?
Even though this can feel like a thin tight rope to walk, and you may be more nervous about your child’s choice of college than he or she is, it is still very important to have a discussion with your teen about future college plans. In fact, this conversation can be helpful for you both.
Here are some good tips for going about it:
1. Be realistic about your expectations. This is probably the most important step parents need to reach in order to have a successful talk with their teen about college. There is nothing wrong about setting high standards for your children and having high hopes for the education that they will pursue after graduation, especially if you intend to pay for it. However, you have to remember that, once they graduate high school, your kids’ lives are technically in their own hands. They will be of the age to make their own decisions and determine their own futures. So, parents need to reach a healthy balance of personal expectations and allowing their children the freedom to follow their own dreams before a conversation can be had.
2. Figure out how they feel. The next step after you have come to terms with your own expectations is to figure out what your child’s expectations are for him or herself. Starting in on page twenty when your kid has only thought about college to about page four won’t really work. Likewise, falsely assuming your child is starting at square one when, in fact, he or she has been researching schools for months is another way to start the conversation off on the wrong foot. Instead, ask your child how much time they have spent thinking about going to college. Then, ask them what they have been feeling about it. Figure out where your kids are in the process before you carry on with a discussion.
3. Make sure they understand the commitment. There is more to college than picking a school and signing up. College students are no longer on a high school timetable where they attend school from 8 to 3 every day and have their schedules lined up for them. In college, your child will be responsible for getting himself to class on his own and getting work done in a timely manner without parental supervision. There is also a huge financial commitment involved in enrollment. Once you know your child’s plans, you can discuss with them the realities of those plans and how they mesh with the realities of what your family can provide.
4. Ask what you can do to help. Instead of becoming a dictator in your child’s college search, simply ask what you can do to help the process. Ultimately, unless your child wants you to choose a school for them, the choice of where to go and what to study is up to your kid, so you should simply act as a form of help and guidance in the process. Let them know that you are there for them, no matter what. If your teenager doesn’t seem to know how to take the first steps toward figuring out college plans, then you can step in and provide a little direction by setting up school visits and looking for information about degree plans.
5. Suggest other sources of guidance. If your teen is less than enthusiastic about working with you on college plans, you can refer them to someone you trust to provide insight and advice. Try suggesting that they talk to their favorite teacher, a college-aged cousin, or anyone else who has their best interests at heart for help along the way.
This is a special guest post by Katheryn Rivas, who writes on the topics of online university. You can contact her at: katherynrivas87@gmail.com.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
This moment can happen at any age, but one of the most common associations is on the day they start college courses.
Even if your child will be living at home for a few years when they start school, the beginning of college still marks the beginning of their adult life. So, how do you prepare your kids for the process of choosing a college based on their needs? And, how do you do this while recognizing that this decision is, ultimately, up to your child?
Even though this can feel like a thin tight rope to walk, and you may be more nervous about your child’s choice of college than he or she is, it is still very important to have a discussion with your teen about future college plans. In fact, this conversation can be helpful for you both.
Here are some good tips for going about it:
1. Be realistic about your expectations. This is probably the most important step parents need to reach in order to have a successful talk with their teen about college. There is nothing wrong about setting high standards for your children and having high hopes for the education that they will pursue after graduation, especially if you intend to pay for it. However, you have to remember that, once they graduate high school, your kids’ lives are technically in their own hands. They will be of the age to make their own decisions and determine their own futures. So, parents need to reach a healthy balance of personal expectations and allowing their children the freedom to follow their own dreams before a conversation can be had.
2. Figure out how they feel. The next step after you have come to terms with your own expectations is to figure out what your child’s expectations are for him or herself. Starting in on page twenty when your kid has only thought about college to about page four won’t really work. Likewise, falsely assuming your child is starting at square one when, in fact, he or she has been researching schools for months is another way to start the conversation off on the wrong foot. Instead, ask your child how much time they have spent thinking about going to college. Then, ask them what they have been feeling about it. Figure out where your kids are in the process before you carry on with a discussion.
3. Make sure they understand the commitment. There is more to college than picking a school and signing up. College students are no longer on a high school timetable where they attend school from 8 to 3 every day and have their schedules lined up for them. In college, your child will be responsible for getting himself to class on his own and getting work done in a timely manner without parental supervision. There is also a huge financial commitment involved in enrollment. Once you know your child’s plans, you can discuss with them the realities of those plans and how they mesh with the realities of what your family can provide.
4. Ask what you can do to help. Instead of becoming a dictator in your child’s college search, simply ask what you can do to help the process. Ultimately, unless your child wants you to choose a school for them, the choice of where to go and what to study is up to your kid, so you should simply act as a form of help and guidance in the process. Let them know that you are there for them, no matter what. If your teenager doesn’t seem to know how to take the first steps toward figuring out college plans, then you can step in and provide a little direction by setting up school visits and looking for information about degree plans.
5. Suggest other sources of guidance. If your teen is less than enthusiastic about working with you on college plans, you can refer them to someone you trust to provide insight and advice. Try suggesting that they talk to their favorite teacher, a college-aged cousin, or anyone else who has their best interests at heart for help along the way.
This is a special guest post by Katheryn Rivas, who writes on the topics of online university. You can contact her at: katherynrivas87@gmail.com.
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Teen Help Programs: The Search
Tips for Searching for the Right Teen Help Program for My Child:
My story is a cautionary tale that I always hope parents can learn from.
I always tell parents to be cautious of the hundreds of toll free numbers and websites they find online that lead to marketing arms. These marketing arms are not always in the best interest of your child. It is always best to try to find a program or school that you can talk directly to the owner or director - someone who will be responsible for your child and accountable for their progress from the day they arrive to the day they finish.
With this - you are also speaking with someone that is only going to want to accept a student that they feel they can help - since their reputation will reflect their success with your child. Whereas with a marketing arm, in many cases, they will get their commission and you will not hear from them again and they have nothing vested.
Another falsity I see many parents fall for is the misconception that all students need a Wilderness program to break them down prior entering a residential therapeutic program.
This can not only be an expensive first step, it can also be an extra step that your teen has to complete and then start all over with a new set of therapists and school. What I find more upsetting is some Wilderness programs won't say that most kids go on to longer term programs - so parents go into these short term programs thinking that 6-9 weeks will resolve issues that have been going on for a few years. In my opinion, it is only a band-aid that quickly falls off if you are not able to go on to the next step.
If you sit back and truly think about it - why don't you just start at a residential therapeutic boarding school to begin with? Why add an additional $15K-20K glorified camping trip? They say to break your child down - however, isn't your child already broken down? If you can find a solid 6-9-12 month program this should accommodate what you would get from doing your Wilderness.
I encourage parents to look for what I consider the ACE factor:
A=Academic's - Be sure the program is accredited academically
C=Clinical - Be sure they have qualified therapist
E=Enrichment Programs - Be sure they offer enrichment program to stimulate your teen in a positive direction (ie: sports, music, culinary, fine arts, etc... it doesn't have to be all of them, but something to help boost their self esteem).
Visit me on www.helpyourteens.com for a free consultation and more helpful hints and tips for finding quality programs.
My story is a cautionary tale that I always hope parents can learn from.
I always tell parents to be cautious of the hundreds of toll free numbers and websites they find online that lead to marketing arms. These marketing arms are not always in the best interest of your child. It is always best to try to find a program or school that you can talk directly to the owner or director - someone who will be responsible for your child and accountable for their progress from the day they arrive to the day they finish.
With this - you are also speaking with someone that is only going to want to accept a student that they feel they can help - since their reputation will reflect their success with your child. Whereas with a marketing arm, in many cases, they will get their commission and you will not hear from them again and they have nothing vested.
Another falsity I see many parents fall for is the misconception that all students need a Wilderness program to break them down prior entering a residential therapeutic program.
This can not only be an expensive first step, it can also be an extra step that your teen has to complete and then start all over with a new set of therapists and school. What I find more upsetting is some Wilderness programs won't say that most kids go on to longer term programs - so parents go into these short term programs thinking that 6-9 weeks will resolve issues that have been going on for a few years. In my opinion, it is only a band-aid that quickly falls off if you are not able to go on to the next step.
If you sit back and truly think about it - why don't you just start at a residential therapeutic boarding school to begin with? Why add an additional $15K-20K glorified camping trip? They say to break your child down - however, isn't your child already broken down? If you can find a solid 6-9-12 month program this should accommodate what you would get from doing your Wilderness.
I encourage parents to look for what I consider the ACE factor:
A=Academic's - Be sure the program is accredited academically
C=Clinical - Be sure they have qualified therapist
E=Enrichment Programs - Be sure they offer enrichment program to stimulate your teen in a positive direction (ie: sports, music, culinary, fine arts, etc... it doesn't have to be all of them, but something to help boost their self esteem).
Visit me on www.helpyourteens.com for a free consultation and more helpful hints and tips for finding quality programs.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Underage Drinking: Starting the Conversation Early
April is Alcohol Awareness Month.
Here are ten questions that are asked frequently by parents of kids, tweens and teens:
1) At what age would you suggest parents start talking to kids about alcohol? Should parents bring it up independently, or wait for their children to ask before broaching the topic?
Like with any sensitive and serious subject, as soon as a parent believes their child is mature enough to understand the topic (alcohol) is when they should start discussions. It can start by asking them their thoughts on alcohol, listen to them carefully and remember, never criticize. Start the discussion at their level and start learning from each other.
Education is the key to prevention and can help your child to better understand the risk and dangers of alcohol from an early age.
Waiting for a crisis to happen, such as living with an alcoholic or having an issue with a family member that has a drinking problem is not the time to start talking to the child. With this type of situation, the subject should be approached as early as the child can possibly understand alcohol and substance use.
2) If you’ve had bad experiences with alcohol in the past (ie you or a friend/family member has battled alcoholism or similar issues), should you be open about them with your kid? If so, when is the right age for kids to hear this information? How open should you be?
This is a very tricky question. On one hand we value honesty, however when a teenager likes to throw it back at you when they decide to experiment and it goes too far is when you realize you may want to pick and choose what stories from your past you want to share.
If you have a family member that has battled with addiction, alcoholism or similar issues, there is nothing like firsthand experiences (especially those people that are related to them) to help them understand how harmful this disease can be and in some cases, deadly. I think it is very important that your teenager know these stories and how it relates to them – especially as they go into middle school and high school and start feeling the peer pressure from to others to experiment with different substances.
3) Are there any websites or books that you’d recommend having parents read or showing kids (at any age)? Are certain types of information better for each age group (ie maybe children respond better to broad themes and videos, tweens respond well to anecdotes and stories, and teens respond better to hard facts about drinking and health)?
Ask Listen Learn: Is a fantastic interactive and educational website created by The Century Council For Underage Drinking. This site if full of facts, resources, videos downloads, games as well as more links that offer extended information. This site is targeted for all ages from younger kids to teens.
The Cool Spot: This is another great website for tweens and teens. This deals with information on alcohol and helping teens and young teens resist peer pressure.
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas – This is an excellent book for both parents and teens of a true story. It was a NYT’s best seller. Eye-opening and utterly gripping, Koren Zailckas’s story is that of thousands of girls like her who are not alcoholics—yet—but who routinely use booze as a shortcut to courage and a stand-in for good judgment. This book is more for teenagers and parents.
4) Do you think that schools and/or the media do a good job of warning kids about the dangers of alcohol consumption, or do they receive mixed messages about drinking? How might you incorporate your thoughts about this into a conversation with your child?
Schools and teachers do what they are paid to do, and in most cases, especially with dedicated teachers and employees, will go above their duty and do more. However it is the parent’s responsibility to continue to talk to their child about the risks and dangers of alcohol, as well as the peer pressure they may face in school and in their community.
Though many parents are busy today, some working two jobs, many are single parents – there are few excuses not to take the time to talk to your kids about these subjects. Whether it is Internet safety, substance abuse, safe sex, or simply homework – parenting is your priority. I am not saying this is easy, I know for a fact, it isn’t. I was a single parent with two teenagers, it was very hard. I think today is even more challenging since there is more obstacles to contend with than there was even a decade ago.
The good news is the most recent study by The Century Council says that 83% of youth cite parents as the leading influence in their decisions not to drink alcohol. Another words – our kids are listening and parents are doing their job parenting!
5) How often should you talk to kids about alcohol, and does it vary by age? (i.e. less frequently for younger children, more frequently for tweens, and most frequently for teenagers?)
As frequently as you have an opportunity. If there is a reason for it – if there is a conversation about it, expand on it – don’t run from it. This is for both tweens and teens. As far as little children are concerned, again it depends on their maturity and what your family dynamics consist of.
6) If you drink yourself, is it ever a good idea to allow kids to drink with you (i.e. a glass of wine at dinner) to de-stigmatize alcohol and help them be responsible? Or is it instead better to forbid them from consuming alcohol altogether until they are 21?
Alcohol is illegal for underage drinkers. However there are some that believe that a sip of alcohol isn’t be a big deal. I believe this is a personal decision, but if you have alcoholism that runs in your family, it is something that I would caution you on.
The other side to this is some people believe it would eliminate them from trying it at a friend’s house where they could get into trouble such as drinking and driving. I think this goes back to being a personal choice on for your family. It goes back to talking to your teen – communication. Keep the lines open!
7) If you suspect your child’s friends are drinking or pressuring him/her to drink, should you stop allowing your child to hang out with them?
Communication. Talk to your child about these friends. Find out what is going on and help your child see that maybe the choices he/she is making are not in their best interest. It is better if your teen comes to the conclusion not to hang out with these friends rather than their parent telling them not to.
8) Should the discussion be different for a daughter versus a son? How might you talk to the different sexes differently about alcohol (i.e. maybe you’d warn girls more about not having people slip something in their drinks at parties, while you’d warn boys more about alcohol and hazing/pranks.)
I don’t want parents to get confused on gender and alcoholism. It doesn’t discriminate. A girl or a boy can be slipped a drug in their drink at a party – just like a girl or boy can be coerced into participating into a mean prank of hazing.
With this, whether you have a son or daughter, you need to speak with them about the risks of leaving any drink alone and coming back for it. Keep in mind, you don’t have to have an alcoholic beverage to put a powdery substance into it (another words even a soda can be spiked).
The important issue is they understand that these things can happen and they can happen to them.
9) What should you do if you suspect your teenager is drinking against your advice?
Communication. I know it is easier said than done (and I sound like a broken record), however it is the best tool we have and the most effective. As hard as it can be, talking with a teenager is difficult, but we have to continue to break down those walls until they talk to us and tell us why they are turning to alcohol.
If you aren’t able to get through, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you can’t, you are not alone. Again, teen years are the most trying times. Reach out to an adolescent therapist or counselor. Hopefully your teen will agree to go. If not, may you have a family member or good friend your teen will confide in. It so important to get your teen to talk about why he/she is drinking. Don’t give up – whether it is a guidance counselor, sports coach, someone he/she is willing to open up to.
Parents can’t allow this to escalate and only believe it is a phase. Maybe it is – but maybe it isn’t. Be proactive. Don’t wait for it to reach the addiction level. Don’t be a parent in denial. There is help and you don’t have to be ashamed to ask for it.
There are many typical teens that end up being addicts – don’t let your teenager be one of them.
10) Could you offer one specific tip for each age group (elementary school, tween/middle school, and high school) that I may have missed or that people might not think of?
For all ages, parents need to realize how important it is to be a role model. As I mentioned earlier, 83% of children are listening and are influenced by their parents. That is a large number. So continue keeping those lines of communication open – starting early and going into their college years!
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today’s teenagers.
Here are ten questions that are asked frequently by parents of kids, tweens and teens:
1) At what age would you suggest parents start talking to kids about alcohol? Should parents bring it up independently, or wait for their children to ask before broaching the topic?
Like with any sensitive and serious subject, as soon as a parent believes their child is mature enough to understand the topic (alcohol) is when they should start discussions. It can start by asking them their thoughts on alcohol, listen to them carefully and remember, never criticize. Start the discussion at their level and start learning from each other.
Education is the key to prevention and can help your child to better understand the risk and dangers of alcohol from an early age.
Waiting for a crisis to happen, such as living with an alcoholic or having an issue with a family member that has a drinking problem is not the time to start talking to the child. With this type of situation, the subject should be approached as early as the child can possibly understand alcohol and substance use.
2) If you’ve had bad experiences with alcohol in the past (ie you or a friend/family member has battled alcoholism or similar issues), should you be open about them with your kid? If so, when is the right age for kids to hear this information? How open should you be?
This is a very tricky question. On one hand we value honesty, however when a teenager likes to throw it back at you when they decide to experiment and it goes too far is when you realize you may want to pick and choose what stories from your past you want to share.
If you have a family member that has battled with addiction, alcoholism or similar issues, there is nothing like firsthand experiences (especially those people that are related to them) to help them understand how harmful this disease can be and in some cases, deadly. I think it is very important that your teenager know these stories and how it relates to them – especially as they go into middle school and high school and start feeling the peer pressure from to others to experiment with different substances.
3) Are there any websites or books that you’d recommend having parents read or showing kids (at any age)? Are certain types of information better for each age group (ie maybe children respond better to broad themes and videos, tweens respond well to anecdotes and stories, and teens respond better to hard facts about drinking and health)?
Ask Listen Learn: Is a fantastic interactive and educational website created by The Century Council For Underage Drinking. This site if full of facts, resources, videos downloads, games as well as more links that offer extended information. This site is targeted for all ages from younger kids to teens.
The Cool Spot: This is another great website for tweens and teens. This deals with information on alcohol and helping teens and young teens resist peer pressure.
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas – This is an excellent book for both parents and teens of a true story. It was a NYT’s best seller. Eye-opening and utterly gripping, Koren Zailckas’s story is that of thousands of girls like her who are not alcoholics—yet—but who routinely use booze as a shortcut to courage and a stand-in for good judgment. This book is more for teenagers and parents.
4) Do you think that schools and/or the media do a good job of warning kids about the dangers of alcohol consumption, or do they receive mixed messages about drinking? How might you incorporate your thoughts about this into a conversation with your child?
Schools and teachers do what they are paid to do, and in most cases, especially with dedicated teachers and employees, will go above their duty and do more. However it is the parent’s responsibility to continue to talk to their child about the risks and dangers of alcohol, as well as the peer pressure they may face in school and in their community.
Though many parents are busy today, some working two jobs, many are single parents – there are few excuses not to take the time to talk to your kids about these subjects. Whether it is Internet safety, substance abuse, safe sex, or simply homework – parenting is your priority. I am not saying this is easy, I know for a fact, it isn’t. I was a single parent with two teenagers, it was very hard. I think today is even more challenging since there is more obstacles to contend with than there was even a decade ago.
The good news is the most recent study by The Century Council says that 83% of youth cite parents as the leading influence in their decisions not to drink alcohol. Another words – our kids are listening and parents are doing their job parenting!
5) How often should you talk to kids about alcohol, and does it vary by age? (i.e. less frequently for younger children, more frequently for tweens, and most frequently for teenagers?)
As frequently as you have an opportunity. If there is a reason for it – if there is a conversation about it, expand on it – don’t run from it. This is for both tweens and teens. As far as little children are concerned, again it depends on their maturity and what your family dynamics consist of.
6) If you drink yourself, is it ever a good idea to allow kids to drink with you (i.e. a glass of wine at dinner) to de-stigmatize alcohol and help them be responsible? Or is it instead better to forbid them from consuming alcohol altogether until they are 21?
Alcohol is illegal for underage drinkers. However there are some that believe that a sip of alcohol isn’t be a big deal. I believe this is a personal decision, but if you have alcoholism that runs in your family, it is something that I would caution you on.
The other side to this is some people believe it would eliminate them from trying it at a friend’s house where they could get into trouble such as drinking and driving. I think this goes back to being a personal choice on for your family. It goes back to talking to your teen – communication. Keep the lines open!
7) If you suspect your child’s friends are drinking or pressuring him/her to drink, should you stop allowing your child to hang out with them?
Communication. Talk to your child about these friends. Find out what is going on and help your child see that maybe the choices he/she is making are not in their best interest. It is better if your teen comes to the conclusion not to hang out with these friends rather than their parent telling them not to.
8) Should the discussion be different for a daughter versus a son? How might you talk to the different sexes differently about alcohol (i.e. maybe you’d warn girls more about not having people slip something in their drinks at parties, while you’d warn boys more about alcohol and hazing/pranks.)
I don’t want parents to get confused on gender and alcoholism. It doesn’t discriminate. A girl or a boy can be slipped a drug in their drink at a party – just like a girl or boy can be coerced into participating into a mean prank of hazing.
With this, whether you have a son or daughter, you need to speak with them about the risks of leaving any drink alone and coming back for it. Keep in mind, you don’t have to have an alcoholic beverage to put a powdery substance into it (another words even a soda can be spiked).
The important issue is they understand that these things can happen and they can happen to them.
9) What should you do if you suspect your teenager is drinking against your advice?
Communication. I know it is easier said than done (and I sound like a broken record), however it is the best tool we have and the most effective. As hard as it can be, talking with a teenager is difficult, but we have to continue to break down those walls until they talk to us and tell us why they are turning to alcohol.
If you aren’t able to get through, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed if you can’t, you are not alone. Again, teen years are the most trying times. Reach out to an adolescent therapist or counselor. Hopefully your teen will agree to go. If not, may you have a family member or good friend your teen will confide in. It so important to get your teen to talk about why he/she is drinking. Don’t give up – whether it is a guidance counselor, sports coach, someone he/she is willing to open up to.
Parents can’t allow this to escalate and only believe it is a phase. Maybe it is – but maybe it isn’t. Be proactive. Don’t wait for it to reach the addiction level. Don’t be a parent in denial. There is help and you don’t have to be ashamed to ask for it.
There are many typical teens that end up being addicts – don’t let your teenager be one of them.
10) Could you offer one specific tip for each age group (elementary school, tween/middle school, and high school) that I may have missed or that people might not think of?
For all ages, parents need to realize how important it is to be a role model. As I mentioned earlier, 83% of children are listening and are influenced by their parents. That is a large number. So continue keeping those lines of communication open – starting early and going into their college years!
Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today’s teenagers.
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