Getting Your Teen to Talk to You: Breaking the Ice

At some point, every parent will start to get grunts and nods when asking their kids simple questions, like “How was school today?” or “What would you like to do this afternoon?”

Separating from parents and keeping more and more of their thoughts and feelings to themselves is a natural stage kids go through, but that doesn’t make any less difficult for parents to endure. It also doesn’t have to be the natural progression of the parent/child relationship.

It takes some extra time and effort, but you can stay close to your child. Here are some ways to keep the lines of communication open.

Avoid questions that start with why. It’s often surprising how regularly we question rather than converse with kids. Kids often get defensive as soon as they hear the word “why.” Instead of opening up the lines of communication, asking questions like “Why did you do that?” can make the child feel like there’s a right and wrong answer, even when it’s asked with a genuine interest. Instead, ask questions that will encourage your child to share his thoughts, feelings and motivations.
Ask open ended questions. We often ask questions looking for specific information. Wonderful things can happen when we don’t have a specific agenda and instead welcome wherever the conversation may lead. Questions like “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” make kids think outside the box and often gives you a great jumping off place for a deeper conversation.
Resist the urge to offer advice or solutions. Whenever a parent learns that her child is struggling with a problem, even a small one, her first instinct is to jump in and offer advice and a solution. Even when you offer your child great suggestions, jumping into a problem solving mode often turns the conversation into what feels like a lecture. When your child is facing a problem or struggling with how to handle a tough situation, use that opportunity to connect. Ask her about how she sees things, how she feels about what’s happening, what she sees as her choices, and what she thinks the results of those choices would be. By creating a safe space for your child to work through her thoughts and feelings, you’re strengthening your relationship and helping your child develop valuable critical thinking and problem solving skills.
Talk on their timetable. Sometimes it seems that kids want to talk at the worst possible moments. Your daughter wants to give you all the details of an argument she had with her best friend when you’re trying to finish a big presentation for work. Your son wants to ask you about joining the hockey team when you’re rushing to help your 6th grader finish a science project that’s due the next day. You only have so much time and energy, and often there is just not enough of it to go around. Unfortunately, as children get older the times when they initiate a meaningful conversation get fewer and fewer, so take advantage of the opportunities you’re given whenever possible. If you have to postpone a conversation, let your child know why and pick a specific time to finish the conversation.
Plan time to connect. Your child is much more likely to open up to you when connection and conversation are an integrated part of your relationship. From an early age, spend one on one time with your child on a regular basis. This is a great way to get to know your child outside the hustle and bustle of family life and it gives you the chance to create special memories together. That regular one on one time early on can make it much easier to continue to connect as they get older.
Take advantage of small windows of time. Not every conversation needs to be a sit down, face to face talk. In fact, many of the best conversations won’t be. Take advantage of the time you and your child spend in the car driving to and from activities, getting ready for bed, cooking dinner over the weekend, or shopping for school clothes. Talking while involved in another activity creates a no pressure environment to talk with each other. Of course it’s important to carve out time when you’re focused on each other as well, however, in between those times try to take advantage of the many chances you have every day to connect and talk.
It’s important to both you and your child to connect and talk with each other. Although the parent/child relationship naturally changes as your child gets older, you can still have a close connection through the years.

Source: Babysitting Jobs

Follow me on Twitter and join me on Facebook for more informational articles.

What Happens When Good Kids Start Making Bad Choices?

Post Newtown tragedy and we as a society not only mourn the loss of precious lives, we are debating what we can do from to prevent this from happening again.

The conversation of gun control and mental health will continue for a long time.

As someone that works with parents of struggling teenagers, I am faced on a weekly basis with families that are at their wit’s end.  They have exhausted all their local resources, the therapy sessions are going nowhere (if you can get your child to attend), school has usually reached their limit with the student, and in some cases the local authorities are now involved.

Over the past few weeks we have heard from parents that feel like their teenagers are holding them hostage in their own homes.  They will punch holes in walls, they will scream at their parents, the level of disrespect today is at an all time high.  Sadly, though we are only hearing about this in the media lately, it has been going on for years.

Some of these homes consist of only one parent or both parents are working leaving less supervision and guidance at home.  Gone are the days when kids came home to at least one parent.  Is this part of the problem of today’s society?  I am not convinced of that.  In my opinion it could be one of the excuses.

Kids today lack the respect that generations prior were born and raised with.  Gone are the days when a parent told a child to be home at 10:00pm and they were actually home at 10:00pm without question.  Today the teen will argue that every other kid has a curfew of 2:00am and that is when he/she will be home whether we like it or not.

Yes, that is the way many parents are living today – at the mercy of their teenager.  I am sure some of you are recognizing your child here.

It’s not just pot anymore.

When a teen has escalated to a point that they are now controlling your home, failing in school, using drugs, hanging with the less than desirable peer group (which by the way they have become themselves), and you have determined this is more than typical teenage behavior – it may be time to seek residential therapy.  These are typically good kids making bad choices.  Some may label them spoiled rotten brat syndrome.

Residential therapy is sometimes mistaken for mental illness.  Though there are residential treatment centers that help the mentally challenged, I am discussing residential therapy that is aimed at building a child back up to making the better choices, teaching them self-respect and respect for others, continuing their education (underachievers) and offering enrichment programs.

Many of these teens are spoiled brats.  The problem; entitlement issues.  Many parents today are guilty of over-indulging our kids and the results are coming back to us during the puberty years – in spades. The sweet angel of a toddler we once had is now a troubled teenager that is driving us mad.  We literally don’t recognize the person they have turned into.  From sneaking out of the house, to dropping out of their favorite sport – that once happy-go-lucky child has gone missing.   It is a parent’s responsibility to find them again.  It is not about shipping them off, it is about giving them a second chance at a bright future.  Sometimes that does involve removing them from their comfort zone; their environment.

Researching for residential therapy can be daunting.  The sticker shock of the price to get your child help can leave you feeling completely helpless and hopeless.

Don’t allow this to happen.  Yes, residential therapy can be costly, however there are some that accept insurances and there are others that work with parents in accordance to their income.  You need to do your homework, there is help out there.  Don’t be a parent in denial, be proactive – it is our responsibility as a parent to get our child the help they may need.

As far as private residential programs for teen help, even though they can be a bit more expensive, don’t assume anything.  You need to do your due diligence and research.  Visit http://www.helpyourteens.com for a list of tips and questions to ask schools and programs.  Being an educated parent helps you to find the best program for your individual child.  Learn more in Wit’s End!  Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen (HCI).

Follow me on Twitter and join me on Facebook for more parenting information.

Teens That Think they are Invincible: Tips for Parents

Does your teen make poor choices?

“I just like to see how far I can go and what I can do and what I can accomplish out[side] of the everyday norm.”
– Allan, 17

It has been said a thousand times: the biggest reason kids drink and drive, take drugs and do all kinds of crazy, dangerous stunts is that they think they’re immortal, invincible and bullet-proof. But is this what teenagers really think?

“It’s a sense of freedom, I guess,” says Allan, 17.

Allan is a self-proclaimed risk-taker.

“I just like to see how far I can go and what I can do and what I can accomplish out[side] of the everyday norm,” says Allan.

Risky behaviors can include rock-climbing, skydiving, street racing and even unprotected sex. It’s often said that teenagers feel invincible – but do they really feel this way? Researchers at UC San Francisco say no. In fact, they found that teenagers actually overestimate the danger of certain activities. And, while they know there are risks, they think the benefits and the fun are worth it.

“[Teenagers] are — compared to an adult — relatively uninformed. And if they are a novice and inexperienced with alcohol, drugs or sex, or any of those things — as everyone is in the beginning — they don’t know what to expect. Very often they don’t fully understand the complete nature of the risks they’re taking,” says Jeffrey Rothweiler, Ph.D., clinical psychologist.

“It might be that because the frontal lobes are not yet fully developed during adolescence that they’re more likely to make decisions, that they don’t fully think through the consequences of their actions,” says Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist. The prefrontal cortex matures the most between the ages of 12 and 20.

Allan knows there is a potential for injury with some of the risky actions he takes.
“I guess death is a factor, or getting paralyzed or … hitting the ground while you’re climbing. But you just try not to think about it, keep a positive attitude,” says Allan.

But in his mind, the benefits are worth it.

“Just being able to look back and see that you’ve done something. That you’ve accomplished … a rapid or a rock or a trail or something like that,” says Allan.

Tips for Parents

• Research shows that certain approaches to parenting can help prevent teens from engaging in all types of risky behaviors, from drug and alcohol use to dangerous driving to sexual activity. This includes having a warm, loving and close relationship with your teen; setting and consistently enforcing clear rules and consequences; closely monitoring your teen’s activities and whereabouts; respecting your teen; and setting a good example, especially when it comes to illicit drug and alcohol use. (Office of National Drug Control Policy)
• Encourage safe driving, healthy eating and good school performance; discourage drug use, teen sex and activities that may result in injury. (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, HHS)
• Teach healthy habits. Teach your teenager how to maintain a high level of overall health through nutrition, physical fitness and healthy behaviors. Make sure your teen gets eight hours of sleep a night — a good night’s sleep helps ensure maximum performance in academics and sports. Sleep is the body’s way of storing new information to memory and allowing muscles to heal. (HHS)
• Promote safe driving habits. Make sure your teenager uses a seat belt every time he or she is in a car, and ask your child to ensure that all other passengers are wearing their seatbelts when he or she is driving. Encourage your young driver to drive responsibly by following speed limits and avoiding distractions while driving such as talking on a cell phone, focusing on the radio or even looking at fellow passengers instead of the road. (HHS)
• Promotion of school success. Help your teen to become responsible for attendance, homework and course selection. Be sure to have conversations with your child about school and show your interest in his or her school activities. (HHS)
• Prevent violence. Prevent bullying by encouraging peaceful resolutions and building positive relationships. Teach teens to respect others and encourage tolerance. Teach your teens that there is no place for verbal or physical violence by setting an example with your words and actions and by showing them respect as well. (HHS)
• Know the 4“W’s”—who, what, when, where. Always know who your teen is hanging out with, what they will be doing, when and for how long they will be out, and where they will be. And check up on your child. Be aware of the dangers that can arise at teenage parties. Teen parties present an opportunity for your teen to experiment with alcohol or tobacco. One approach is to host the party so you have more control over ensuring that these parties stay safe and fun for everyone involved. (HHS)

References

• Office of National Drug Control Policy
• U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS)
• Connect with Kids

Follow me on Twitter and join me on Facebook for more information.

Teen Help: Parents Seeking Help and Not Getting Scammed

With the tragedy of Newtown, CT we are faced with so many unanswered questions.

The grief of the loss of life is unimaginable - when you look at the age of the children and their protectors that died doing what they were trained to do, it is simply unconscionable that anyone could do such a heinous act.

We are hearing issues of gun control combined with mental health.  At the end of the day, like teenagers using illegal drugs (and adults for that matter) if someone is determined to find a gun and shoot people, they will.

The fact is we need to get people the help they need before they get to the point of wanting to seek out guns for killing - or drugs for getting high.

Though that is an extreme example, many parents are seeking help for their struggling teen.  They are at their wit's end.  They feel like they are hostage in their own home.  After exhausting all their local resources they realize that residential treatment is their last resort - but how can they send their child away?

The real question is, how can you not?  How can you not get your teen the help they need?  In many cases your teen does need to be removed from their environment to be able to start recovery.  Being around their negative peer group and sometimes ever around their family (and this is not a personal reflection on you) but the state of mind your child is in, can bring contention that they are not able to move forward.

So what can you do?  You get online and the confusion is overwhelming with websites promising all sorts of things - marketing people scaring you into the urgency of placing asap or else..... Sticker shock of the price of getting help! Don't get scammed - it did happen to me - I created my organization so it wouldn't happen to other parents.

There is help for everyone.  If you don't have insurance for mental help, and even with insurance, there are programs that can help.  You will have to dig harder to find them.

Obviously if you are able to go into a program you can finance there are more options, but in a time in our economy when things are not financially great, not everyone falls into this category.  This doesn't mean you can't find help.

I encourage you to visit my website - www.helpyourteens.com for more information on residential therapy.  Never give up - be proactive.  Now, more than ever, is a reality that parents need to get their troubled teens the help they need.

Teens Entrepeneurship: Teaching Teens About Online Businesses

Does your teen want to start their own business?

You hear about it all the time, a teen has started a great online business and it’s making tons of money, getting lots of recognition, and turning into something beyond anyone’s dreams. Now your teen has that great idea, or maybe just the drive and motivation, and he or she wants to launch an online business. You think it might really work, but you’re a little worried about the online aspect of it.

You want your teen to start his business in a smart, effective, and safe way. Don’t worry – it can be done!

Focus in on Your Product and Find a Niche

Some good advice for teens launching an online business is to find that niche and focus in on it. Maybe your teen is a wonderful artist and wants to start selling her art. Instead of just setting up a website and posting general work that people can buy, offer a specialty, like pet portraits or names with personalized colors and lettering (you can even help get the word out). She can post some samples and make it easy for customers to contact her about details.

Whether it’s starting a business selling greeting cards or tutoring math online, there is a place for almost any venture. Any business will do better the more specific it is; work with your teen about finding that part of their talent and narrowing in on it.

Safety is a Big Priority

As a parent, it’s your responsibility to oversee your teen’s online business. If your daughter is babysitting, you wouldn’t let her just go to anyone’s home to babysit–you’d make sure it was safe. You need to do the same online. Go over safety issues with your teen. Reiterate the importance of not giving out too much personal information. Sure, an email address is fine (but your teen may want a “business” email address separate from his personal one). If you need to give out an address, think about opening a PO Box so your home address is not public.

PayPal is a great way to receive payment; it takes care of the need to give out personal information to receive checks or other payment. The bottom line about safety is: Be smart, as a parent and as a teen. A younger teen will need more supervision, while your older teenager can handle more freedoms with his business.

Marketing

Though safety and privacy is a concern and a consideration when your teen wants an online business, know that at some point, she will have to market the business, and that means herself. Some businesses really take off when a young person creates and runs them; they have their age in their favor. If they want media coverage, their name may have to be made public. So though you should monitor all of this, keep in the back of your mind that if your teen is serious about starting a small business, you both may have to step outside the original safety box and into the adult world of marketing and business at some point.

Kids have great ideas–they are innovative, creative, and unafraid. Guide your teen along on his endeavor, keep an eye on things, stay safe, but don’t stifle this–it could be big! Best of luck to you and your teen!

Special contributor:  Heather Legg is a blogger who writes on Internet safety, small businesses, and parenting.

Bullying: Is your child a victim of a bully at school? Warning signs parents should know

According to a May 2011 survey published by the United States Department of Education, approximately 8,166,000 students between the ages of 12 and 18 reported that they were being bullied in school; this number translates to about 31.7% of American students in that age group. The effects of bullying have been emphasized to parents, educators and childcare providers as media coverage of teen suicides resulting from unchecked bullying increases. In today’s world, children require protection from each other, as well as reprehensible adult influence.

Fortunately, there are a few warning signs that could indicate that your child is the victim of schoolyard bullies.

• Unexplained Injuries or Damages to Property – When items go missing or turn up broken, clothing and other property is torn or damaged, or your child shows clear signs of physical injury but lacks a plausible explanation for these occurrences, there’s a very strong chance that he’s being bullied and trying to hide it from you. Because seeking help for bullying is often considered a sign of weakness, some kids will go to great lengths to keep their plight under wraps.
• Displays an Aversion to School – A child that was once happy and eager to attend classes but suddenly exhibits a strong aversion to school, attempts to fake illnesses as a means of staying home, or puts up a fight every morning may be trying to avoid school because he’s trying to avoid being bullied there. Most kids show at least a mild aversion to school from time to time; however, should your child seem genuinely afraid or angry about going to his classes each morning, there may be more to the story than a typical childhood distaste for school.
• Difficulty Sleeping or Nightmares – One of the most common signs of post-traumatic stress disorder, which is not uncommon in children that are severely bullied, is difficulty sleeping. Sleep disruptions and nightmares should be viewed as a cause for concern when they become a regular occurrence; the occasional bad dream is simply par for the childhood course, but recurring nightmares could indicate a serious problem.
• Lowered Academic Performance – Kids that are the victims of bullying may experience a drop in grades or show other indications of a lowered academic performance, either as a result of being actively distracted from their studies by bullies or because they’re experiencing symptoms of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder that makes it difficult for them to focus. When grades rapidly plummet, parents should always address the situation; however, if there are other indicators of bullying, kids should certainly not be punished if their studies are suffering.
• Loss of Interest in Hobbies or Activities – When a child that was once eager to join in activities, extra-curricular sports or after school programs abruptly shows a lack of interest or even a distaste for those hobbies, it could indicate that he’s being bullied by other participants and wants to distance himself from the situation as much as possible.
• Isolation – It’s not unheard of for tweens and teens to barricade themselves in their rooms, eschewing the company of their parents in favor of talking to their friends; it’s so common, in fact, that it’s become something of a societal cliché. That being said, if your child is isolating himself from everyone, and doesn’t seem to have many friends that he’s interacting with, that isolation could be an indicator of bullying or harassment.
• Self-Harming Behavior – The most drastic, and perhaps the most upsetting, indicator of bullying is self-harming behavior in your child. Cutting, eating disorders and risky behavior, like running away from home, are all classic signs of bullying or abuse; though they may seem extreme and overwhelming, they’re not an indicator that all hope is lost. A child exhibiting these signs is likely to require some treatment, and may need to be removed from their current school as a protective measure.

Fear of retribution, a reluctance to appear helpless, and humiliation at their plight may leave kids reluctant to notify an authority figure, or even to admit to being bullied in many cases. The 2008 to 2009 School Crime Supplement indicates that roughly two-thirds of bullying cases go unreported by the victims or their peers, so uncovering the truth may require a bit of finesse. Aggressive questioning can feel like an interrogation to an already victimized child, so parents should keep their tone open, calm and non-judgmental during conversations about the subject.

Source: Babysitting Jobs

Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.

Teen Peer Pressure: Be An Educated Parent

Frequently we hear how a teen used to be such a nice kid until they started hanging out with so-and-so. Yes, the wrong crowd. Everyone knows about the wrong crowd.

We’re surrounded by peer pressure every day in a variety of different ways, from the unknown forces of the media to our friends and family. Although a parent can’t erase peer pressure from her child’s life, she can give her the tools she needs to stay strong in the face of it and make decisions based on what’s best for her.

Here are a few tools to help you teach your child about peer pressure.

Talk to your child about the influences of the media. Every time you turn on the TV, pick up a magazine, read a billboard, go on Facebook or Twitter, or surf the web there are people trying to get you to take the action they want you to take or think the way they want you to think. Many people don’t recognize these forces as peer pressure because they’ve become such an engrained part of our lives; however, the media greatly influences our ideas and choices. Talking with children about these influences can help kids see things with a critical mind and allow them to make smarter, more objective decisions.

Be a good role model. If your child sees you rush out to buy the latest fashion, stand in line for hours to land the latest gadget, or try the latest fad diet because everyone else on the block is singing its praises, she’s much more likely to fall prey to the same peer influences. Let your child see you making decisions based on what’s best for you and the situation, even when it’s not necessarily the popular choice.

Talk to your child about the people and things that influence him. Conversation is one of the most powerful tools you have in helping your child withstand peer pressure. Talk with your child about what choices his friends are making, the choices he’s facing, the factors that influence him, and how he makes decisions about what to do and what not to do. Giving him a safe place to explore his thoughts and feelings will help him make well thought out decisions. It will also allow him to make up his mind about what to do in a tough situation before he’s actually in the tough situation. Working through his choices ahead of time gives him the confidence to act in accordance with his beliefs and values.

Involve your child in a community that supports your values. Although you can’t insulate your child from peer pressure, you can stack the deck in your favor by surrounding your child with people that can help her make good choices. Your local church, Boys and Girls Club, Boy and Girl Scouts, and community programs are all great places to find like-minded families. Your child will still be pressured to do things that are not in her best interest, but it’s a lot easier to say no when others are saying no alongside you.

Help your child develop a strong sense of self. Children with high self-esteem and a positive self-image have a much easier time resisting peer pressure. Those things don’t develop overnight, so plant the seeds of self-esteem and self-image when your child is young and cultivate them as your child grows.

Help your child avoid troublesome situations. Sometimes peer pressure can be avoided simply by avoiding a certain person or taking control of a situation. If your child’s classmate is known for rallying friends to pick on younger kids, stop meeting him and his mom at the local park. Instead, foster a friendship between your child and a kinder classmate. If your child’s new neighbor friend spends hours watching R rated movies while he’s home alone after-school, insist they play at your house where you can monitor their TV choices. If you’re worried about your daughter being out late with her older boyfriend, impose an early curfew but allow the boyfriend to stay and visit.

Be supportive. Making good choices in the face of peer pressure is tough. It can be a very emotional struggle for many kids. Be the person your child can confide in, can count on, and can ask for advice.

Don’t expect perfection. Your child will make mistakes. She will hang out with the wrong people. She will make bad choices. How you react when those things happen will have a big impact on how she handles similar situations in the future. Your goal is to help her learn from her mistakes, help her learn how to make a better choice next time, and help her correct her course when she realizes that she’s going in the wrong direction.

A parent can’t protect her child from peer pressure, but she can help her make decisions based on what’s best for her and not simply on what everyone else is doing.

Source: Go Nannies

Join me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.

Specialty Boarding Schools Accused of Abuse

Recently it was brought to my attention from a parent that I helped several years ago, she was reading a series of articles on abuse and neglect that happens in residential programs for teens and kids.

We are in 2012 - a time when you would think that transparency of all schools and programs should be a given.  Unfortunately, like I also learned the hard way, when it comes to the big business of "teen help" and parents are at their wit's end - they can fall prey to most anything that sounds like relief.

This is one of the reasons I created my organization, Parents' Universal Resource Experts, Inc (P.U.R.E.)  I felt there wasn't any place I could turn that could give me reliable information.

PURE helps educate parents and gives them insights to a very daunting industry.  Though you initially think you are looking for a boot camp type environment (thinking you want to teach your child a lesson) you will soon realize that your teen is crying out for help.  Searching for a program that has an ACE factor (A-academic, C-clinical, E-enrichment) will serve your teen much better.

Another misconception parents have is that Military Schools are for troubled teens.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  The majority of legitimate Military Schools such as Admiral Faragut in Clearwater, Florida, will only accept students with a certain GPA, in many cases a teen has to write an essay of why they want to attend.

Some parents may find some Military Schools that will accept an unwilling child, but what happens next you won't be so happy with.  If he/she get expelled, chanced are very good you will then forfeit your tuition.  Are you ready for that?  The other emotional component of this is - setting your child up for failure will only serve to do him/her more emotional damage and probably cause more defiance and resentment.

Many parents are dealing with good kids making bad choices.  Many parents are dealing with kids experimenting with substances.  We need to take this all very serious today.  Remember it is not the pot of yesterday.  It is being laced with stronger elements and even addictive ones.  Entitlement issues today are a common thread - kids simply have too much and have no boundaries.

It doesn't matter what your issues are, if you have reached the point where you are convinced you need residential therapy, please contact PURE and talk to us.  We have free consultations.  If you have a list of programs that you are considering, we can go down that list with you.  We have visited a large number of programs in our country.  We also receive feedback from parents, students and even employees frequently.

Talk to us.... don't risk sending your child into harms way.  This is a major financial and emotional decision.  It is a parent's responsibility to get their child help - you don't have to fear it - you just have to be smart about it.

Join us on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and if you need to contact us - fill out a quick form.

Read my story here.  My book - Wit's End! Advice and Resources for Saving your Out of Control Teen.