Teen Relationships: When Your Teen Suffers Their First Break-Up

There’s no love quite like the first love; unfortunately, the first love also tends to be among the most painful when things inevitably end. While your teen may be walking through the house with a permanent smile on her face and visions of forever in her mind, you know that it’s likely just a matter of time before the bloom falls from the rose and real life sets in. Helping your teen navigate the painful and complicated world of surviving her first heartbreak isn’t easy, but it’s something that every parent will inevitably have to help with along the way. Handling the situation badly can be actively damaging to your own relationship with your teenager, so be sure that you have a basic idea of how to proceed in order to help her recover without sacrificing the harmony in your home.

Be Supportive, Not Smothering

Your teen needs to know that you’re there for her when she needs you, but she’ll also need to deal with the trauma and pain of her first real break-up in her own way. That may mean hours on the phone with her friends dissecting what went wrong and exploring the natural journey of grief, or it could mean throwing herself into extracurricular activities in a bid to fill up all of her free time. Provided that she doesn’t resort to risky or dangerous behavior as a means of soothing the pains of her broken heart, it’s wise to let her set the pace. Make sure that you’re available when she asks for help, but that you don’t smother her or foist unsolicited advice on her every time she comes into the room.

Avoid Using Language That Minimizes Her Experience

As a parent who’s watching a child suffer, your first instinct may be to downplay the importance of the event in hopes that she’ll realize how inconsequential a high-school break up is. Before minimizing her pain and implying that her feelings of grief are exaggerated or melodramatic, think back to your first experience with heartbreak. While you certainly know now that it wasn’t the end of the world, that doesn’t mean it didn’t feel that way at the time. It’s entirely possible to offer reassurance and support without minimizing the experience, and almost always the most effective method.

Don’t Bash The Ex

When someone hurts your child, no matter how old she is, it’s human nature to think less of them. If you weren’t wild about your teen’s partner before the break-up, it’s even easier to resort to bashing and dismissive language. Keep in mind, however, that high school romances have a way of resurfacing. Even if your teenager swears that she’s calling off a relationship for good, there’s a decent chance that reconciliation will bring that ex back into the fold at some point. If you’ve vocally expressed your distaste for her partner or confessed to never caring much for them in the first place, that reunion might be a tense one for everyone involved. Focus on building your child back up and helping her to recover, rather than tearing down the party that you feel is responsible for her pain.

Be Prepared for a Relapse

Teenagers tend to possess fairly mercurial dispositions, so your teen may seem to be over the worst of her mourning and on the road to recovery when a massive relapse forces her back to square one. The best way to deal with such an abrupt loss of progress is to be prepared for it from the beginning. Hope for the best, but realize that the first sighting of an ex with a new flame can be enough to restart a teenage girl’s grieving process altogether.

Offer Distractions, Not a Lecture

You can give your teen an “I told you so” lecture, reminding her of your warnings about getting too close to a teenage partner or shaming her for choices that she made over the course of her relationship, but it will do absolutely no good. In fact, it’s more likely to push her away and make her uncomfortable with the idea of approaching you in the future. After all, who wants to approach someone for help during a painful time when the only help they’ll get is a sound scolding? Even if you have a particular bone to pick with your teen, the days immediately following a breakup might not be the appropriate time to address the situation.

Familiarize Yourself With the Signs of Depression

To you, the end of a high school romance may seem like little more than a blip on the radar. To your teen, however, that break-up is the radar. While it’s certainly not true that every teen who goes through a breakup will feel like it’s the end of the world, some take such things harder than others. Teens that are already prone to depression or who are at risk can begin to suffer from the condition in the aftermath of a particularly messy break-up, so be sure that you’re apprised of the risks and understand how to spot the signs of teenage depression.

Teen Dating: Establishing Healthy Relationships in the Technology Age

When your teen starts dating it can be a time of added stress.

Now this part of life is compounded with the use of the digital world.


Skout, a mobile flirting application that uses GPS technology has been linked to three instances of sexual assault in recent weeks. In response, the under-18 portion of the community has been shut down as its organizers work to develop better safeguards.

The mobile dating site, which was originally created for adults, uses GPS technology that allows users to see nearby singles. In a safety precaution, the app does not reveal street addresses.

However, if you were at your neighborhood grocery store, you would be able to check your phone to see if another single was in the area, check the profile and then send an IM or text if you were interested in meeting that person.

In the teen version of Skout, the app pinpointed other users’ locations within a half-mile radius, and though it was supposed to be a safeguard, it proved to be the perfect tool for predators to scout their victims. In all three instances, adults took advantage of underage teens; but GPS is also a tool that can be used in teenaged dating abuse.

A technologically savvy teen can use GPS to monitor a dating partner, either through cell phones or other devices. Often, GPS isn’t needed to monitor a teenager’s location.
With the ability to update a Facebook status, Tweet or even “Check-in” via Facebook, teenagers are revealing their locations all the time.

In the past, teen dating abuse was more easily identified. Ten years ago, when landlines were the norm and phone bills had limited minutes, abusive behavior like excessive phone calls would have been easy to identify. Today, teens can put their cell phones on silent and receive unlimited texts, masking abusive behavior from parents.

"I call it an electronic leash," said psychotherapist Dr. Jill Murray in an interview with ABC News. "I've had girls come into my office with cell phone bills showing 9,000 text messages and calls in a month. This is all hours of the day and night. And it's threatening.'Hi. How are you? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?'"  Considering a teen’s constant attachment to his or her cell phone, the potential control for the abuser is virtually unlimited.

In addition to the private world of text messaging, the world of social media offers abusive teens a public platform to humiliate and degrade their partners.

Teens can use Facebook or Twitter to insult their partners or reveal embarrassing, false or intimate information about the victim. Abusive partners can even use this potential public humiliation as a form of blackmail.

You might be surprised to learn just how common it is for teens to develop an abusive relationship. The National Center for Victims of Crime cites that over 40 percent of both genders report having been involved in some form of dating violence at least once during high school.

If you recognize that your teen is in an abusive relationship, your first reaction may be to begin limiting freedoms such as Internet and cell phone use, but often teens in an abusive relationship don’t confide in their parents for fear of such restrictions.

Remember, the victim in an abusive relationship is often made to feel as though he or she has done something wrong. A reaction that could be seen as a “punishment” could only increase feelings of low self-esteem and could further alienate your teen from you and other positive support groups – while the abuser will see the opportunity to slip into the position of the ally.

Instead of revoking mobile access, you could recommend this app for your teen. It was made for college students, as a peer-based support system to help escape social situations, but it can easily apply to the teen dating world. In this app, GPS is used to empower the victim, proving that technology can be a helpful tool in avoiding abuse.

The app is called “Circle of 6” and it allows users to easily contact 6 people with discreet SOS messages:
"Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are..." and "Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption."

If you notice that your teen’s partner is becoming too controlling, a good strategy is to engage in a project or take more trips together. You can also offer to facilitate outings for your teen and his or her friends. You can also go on trips and invite your teen and his or her significant other. The goal is to offer your teen examples of healthy, positive relationships that will contrast the negative emotions spurred by the abusive one.

Contributor: Amelia Wood is a blogger and freelance writer who often writes to explain medical billing and coding online. She welcomes your questions and comments at amelia1612@gmail.com.

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What Home Means to Teenagers

With today’s real estate collapse, people losing jobs, increase in families losing their homes, the stability of many is not only stressful, it is overwhelming.

During the summer months parents will make the move to be sure their kids, especially teens, are settled into a new school district when schools open again.  This can be a difficult time for many teens.  Whether it is leaving friends and familiar places, or moving away from family, it is a time to realize what is most important about having a home – not just a house or apartment.

• Home is where the heart is, and that’s what differentiates it from all other places or states of mind a person may find themselves’ abiding. As you may well know, a home is beyond a physical structure, and has more to do with a place that provides the ultimate comfort and security for someone.Whether it be a plot near a lake, a village of birth, a cardboard box in an alley, or a memory of a moment and time; home is always the best place to be.

• Permanence - Life transitions from one challenge to the next, while a home constitutes a sense of endurance against such challenges and is therefore considered permanent. Some may choose to relocate mind or body, but the reference of home will always accompany them wherever they go.

• Acceptance - Nowhere else may one experience the true freedom of their personal spirit, without any apology, than in their own private space. A home intimately understands its residents and accepts, willfully, all strengths and deficiencies equally.

• Safety - Whether achieved structurally or emotionally, a home portrays the ultimate fortress against foreign elements that would invade or corrupt the sanctity that lies within.

• Security -A home is the purest embodiment of security. Within the confines or parameters of that which is considered ‘home’, an individual or family may thrive in the peace and harmony that they create in this atmosphere; and they are able to enjoy this freedom without fear or intimidation.

• Nurture - Within each home there is a beauty that is unique in this life. The mere presence of a place that is considered ‘home’, becomes a self-generating energy for the inhabitants within its boundaries.

• Prosperity -The true value of the home is often measured by goals and dreams achieved by those who respect ‘this’ as their home. The prosperity may only be realized by those who participate in this ideal; and that may be the most intrinsic beauty of all.

• Communal - One of the most invigorating attributes of a home is that it is, quite frankly, meant to be shared. With this sharing, a visitor may experience the uniqueness of this foreign home while exchanging and sharing elements of that which they hold as their own home.

• Strength - The best example of strength generation may clearly be found in the home. There, in safety and acceptance, a person is able to rejuvenate, heal, and energize when external forces have chipped away at that which is held sacred by the home.

• Wellspring -The home has the distinctive function of quenching the thirst of those who seek  relief within the home. There and there alone teems a spring that will endure and satisfy as it replenishes and refreshes its residents.

• Sanctuary - Only within a home may we come to know and experience a place or state of being that embraces and celebrates our most personal endeavors. Within such confines, we may explore the uninhibited realms of our faith, dreams and aspirations; and retain the confidence that is a provision of our home.

Home is a relative term.  What becomes most important is that each, and every one of us, has such a place—a place to call ‘home’.

Source:  Change of Address

Continue reading on Examiner.com How does your teen describe the word ‘home’? – Fort Lauderdale Parenting Teens | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/parenting-teens-in-fort-lauderdale/how-does-your-teen-describe-the-word-home#ixzz1R8ik7WRv

Teen Relationships: Is your teen in a healthy relationship?

School is open and in full swing.  Many relationships are forming, some are going to be best friends forever and some are not.

Relationships are an essential part of life; without them, we would all wither and die of loneliness. However, there are times when relationships are the cause of immense suffering – when they’re abusive, one-sided or unhealthy, they tend to take more out of you than they give in return. It’s hard enough for adults to tackle relationships maturely, so when you know your teenager is interested in the opposite sex and has started to date, it’s only natural that your parental and protective instincts soar high. As long as your child is happy and cheerful for the most part, you don’t worry – you’re the indulgent parent watching your child grow into an adult. But when you sense that something is not right, when your gut feel tells you that the relationship your child is in is not healthy, you must do something to prevent them from getting into trouble or getting hurt.

• Some teens get into relationships that are abusive – their partner is physically violent or verbally abusive. If you see your child with bruises and cuts that they cannot explain properly or if you notice them crying or upset after a phone call or a text message or when they’re back from a date, it’s time to probe for more information and help them out.
• If your teen is a relationship that is proving to be distractive and detrimental to everything else in their life, you must do something to make them see sense. You don’t want your child to end up being a parent before they’ve gone to college and seen something of life, so even if you end up being labeled the villain, you must talk to them and make them understand that marriage straight out of high school is not an option even if they’ve found the love of their lives. It will be hard to make them understand your point of view, but you must try your best because you love your child and want the best for them.
• In worst case scenarios, your teen could also be involved with a much older person who could be married too – it’s not unheard of for girls to be swayed by the attention of older men who shower them with gifts and take advantage of them or for boys to get seduced by older women. If your child is hiding their significant other from you and acting weirdly, it’s time to get to the bottom of things. I don’t mean that you must pry into their lives, just that you must be careful to ensure that they don’t get trapped by older adults who take advantage of their gullibility.

Talking to your teen is not the easiest of things to do because they tend to guard their privacy fiercely and will resent you “butting in”. However, you must persist because your child’s emotional wellbeing is at stake. Be understanding yet firm in your desire to help; continue to offer to talk and be there for them when the dam breaks and they finally feel they’ve had enough. Don’t despair that your child has undergone a bad experience – they come out better because of it and avoid making the same mistake again.

Source and contributed by: Rachel Davis 

Women in Distress in Broward County for Teens offers a hotline, resources and valuable information for both parents and teens.

Be and educated parent, you will have safer teens.

Read more.

Sue Scheff: Relationship Reality with Teens and Sex

As summer is approaching teens have more spare time.  Whether they are engaging in summer parties, summer sleep overs or just hanging out, sex is a topic that many teens are in tune with.

What is your teen's relationship reality?  Do they understand that a relationship is built on trust and respect?  It is more than going out on a few dates, it is more than spending hours on the phone or texting each other continuously.

The decisions your teen make about their relationships matter a lot - both in the short-term and in the long-term. So, Stay Teen has collected some facts, tips, and feedback from teens about what makes a healthy relationship and how to avoid an unhealthy one.

Tips for healthy relationships:

• Just because you think "everyone is doing it," doesn't mean they are. Some are, some aren't — and some are lying.
• There are a lot of good reasons to say "no, not yet." Protecting your feelings is one of them.
• You're in charge of your own life - don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.
• You can always say "no" — even if you've said "yes" before.
• If you're drunk or high, you can't make good decisions about sex. Don't do something you might not remember or might really regret.
• Sex won't make him or her yours and a baby won't make them stay.

FACT: Most teens say it is not embarrassing to be a virgin. - Stay Teen

Encourage your teen to take the StayTeen.org quiz  today!

In South Florida, Planned Parenthood can help you educate your teens on sex and if they are considering have it. Teen Talk is targeted at discussing sex education and protection with your teens.

Be an educated parent, you will have healthier and safer teens.

Read more.

Sue Scheff: Teens and Dating

By Denise Witmner at About.com

Teens need to learn many things while traveling through the life stage of adolescence. Help your teen learn about dating by knowing these five truths:

•It is normal for a teen to be interested in dating.
While some teens tend to be interested in dating earlier than others, it is a normal adolescent life stage experience for all teenagers. Girls are more vocal about the dating interest and tend to be interested to a greater degree at a younger age, but boys are paying attention also. There is no way around it; your teenager is going to want to date. When he/she does, you’ll have to step up to the plate with some parenting skills.(Try this parenting contract for teen dating too.)

•Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

•Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

•Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

•Your teen will still need you to be ‘around’.
When you have one of your talks with your teen about dating, you will need to set up a pick up scenario. Teens are notorious for getting themselves into situations that they have a hard time getting out of by themselves. Many times this happens on dates. Therefore, let your teenager know you are available for a ride home. You will pick him/her up at anyplace or anytime, even three o’clock in the morning. You will do so without any consequences to your teenager with the understanding that everyone makes mistakes in judgment. You simply want your teen to be safe. Arguments, drinking, etc can all be a part of a bad dating experience. So, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be there for your teen.

Sue Scheff: Teen Relationships

What do you get your teen as a Valentine’s gift? Hmmmm…. is it always about gifts? Simply reminding them you love them and and maybe spending time with - lunch, dinner? We know most teens sleep through the breakfast hour!

Why not get your teen a book - a book that can help them in their relationships in life and love. It could be a priceless gift - for those that remember those puppy love years, they can be as painful as they are blissful.

Check out Health Communications Incs Teen Love Series on Relationships by Kimberly Kirberger.

Love is such a mystery - sometimes painful, other times glorious, always challenging. This book will guide you to understand and sort out your myriad feelings and experiences.

However you feel about love - love it, hate it, wish you knew, wish you didn’t, or feel too scared and confused to even try to find out - this book will show you that your feelings are okay, and most important, that you are not alone. In it you’ll find letters from other teens and Kimberly’s responses to their questions, concerns and confusion and you’ll get a wide-ranging perspective on love and relationships.