Teen Dating: Establishing Healthy Relationships in the Technology Age

When your teen starts dating it can be a time of added stress.

Now this part of life is compounded with the use of the digital world.


Skout, a mobile flirting application that uses GPS technology has been linked to three instances of sexual assault in recent weeks. In response, the under-18 portion of the community has been shut down as its organizers work to develop better safeguards.

The mobile dating site, which was originally created for adults, uses GPS technology that allows users to see nearby singles. In a safety precaution, the app does not reveal street addresses.

However, if you were at your neighborhood grocery store, you would be able to check your phone to see if another single was in the area, check the profile and then send an IM or text if you were interested in meeting that person.

In the teen version of Skout, the app pinpointed other users’ locations within a half-mile radius, and though it was supposed to be a safeguard, it proved to be the perfect tool for predators to scout their victims. In all three instances, adults took advantage of underage teens; but GPS is also a tool that can be used in teenaged dating abuse.

A technologically savvy teen can use GPS to monitor a dating partner, either through cell phones or other devices. Often, GPS isn’t needed to monitor a teenager’s location.
With the ability to update a Facebook status, Tweet or even “Check-in” via Facebook, teenagers are revealing their locations all the time.

In the past, teen dating abuse was more easily identified. Ten years ago, when landlines were the norm and phone bills had limited minutes, abusive behavior like excessive phone calls would have been easy to identify. Today, teens can put their cell phones on silent and receive unlimited texts, masking abusive behavior from parents.

"I call it an electronic leash," said psychotherapist Dr. Jill Murray in an interview with ABC News. "I've had girls come into my office with cell phone bills showing 9,000 text messages and calls in a month. This is all hours of the day and night. And it's threatening.'Hi. How are you? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?'"  Considering a teen’s constant attachment to his or her cell phone, the potential control for the abuser is virtually unlimited.

In addition to the private world of text messaging, the world of social media offers abusive teens a public platform to humiliate and degrade their partners.

Teens can use Facebook or Twitter to insult their partners or reveal embarrassing, false or intimate information about the victim. Abusive partners can even use this potential public humiliation as a form of blackmail.

You might be surprised to learn just how common it is for teens to develop an abusive relationship. The National Center for Victims of Crime cites that over 40 percent of both genders report having been involved in some form of dating violence at least once during high school.

If you recognize that your teen is in an abusive relationship, your first reaction may be to begin limiting freedoms such as Internet and cell phone use, but often teens in an abusive relationship don’t confide in their parents for fear of such restrictions.

Remember, the victim in an abusive relationship is often made to feel as though he or she has done something wrong. A reaction that could be seen as a “punishment” could only increase feelings of low self-esteem and could further alienate your teen from you and other positive support groups – while the abuser will see the opportunity to slip into the position of the ally.

Instead of revoking mobile access, you could recommend this app for your teen. It was made for college students, as a peer-based support system to help escape social situations, but it can easily apply to the teen dating world. In this app, GPS is used to empower the victim, proving that technology can be a helpful tool in avoiding abuse.

The app is called “Circle of 6” and it allows users to easily contact 6 people with discreet SOS messages:
"Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are..." and "Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption."

If you notice that your teen’s partner is becoming too controlling, a good strategy is to engage in a project or take more trips together. You can also offer to facilitate outings for your teen and his or her friends. You can also go on trips and invite your teen and his or her significant other. The goal is to offer your teen examples of healthy, positive relationships that will contrast the negative emotions spurred by the abusive one.

Contributor: Amelia Wood is a blogger and freelance writer who often writes to explain medical billing and coding online. She welcomes your questions and comments at amelia1612@gmail.com.

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Teen Dating Tips - Be safe and have fun!

Make is a safe date.

Dating can be a fun and great time for you as a teenager. The first teen dating tip is the most important. It is totally possible to maintain good standards while having a good time. In fact, you will have more fun when you do. The easiest way to do this is look for and date people who have the same high standards as you do. The bad boy or girl may look intriguing, however the fun wears off really quickly.

Manners matter when you are dating, especially as a teenager. Always remember your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ with the person you are out with. There is nothing more annoying than an ungrateful date. The second teen dating tip is to remember the golden rule: treat others like you want to be treated.

All of this aside, the following are some more great teen dating tips. Hopefully most of these will already be second nature, but if they are not it is a good time to start working on them.

Before The Date

~Asking the Person Out~ When you have found someone that you would like to go out with, practice asking them out (especially if you are nervous). When you have it mastered, just do it. You don’t have to come up with a fancy shmancy way to ask. A simple, “Do you want to go out on Friday?” is totally okay.

HINT: It is NOT good dating etiquette to show up in their driveway, call them on their cell phone and ask them out right then. Parents do not like this.

~Get a Group Together~ It is so much more fun to go out in a group, especially when you are just getting into the dating mix. A bunch of people can come up with so much more to do and talk about. It will also help with the nerves of the date.

~Take a Shower~ Truly… clean up and look nice for the person you have asked out or that has asked you out. Grooming is a good habit anyway, but take it to the next level for your date. Honestly, no one wants to go out with someone that just got done with team practice and smells like it.

HINT: Extra cologne and perfume do not cover up the smell of sweat….

~Know Where You Are Going and What You Are Doing~ This is good teen dating tip manners. You will be able to let the other person know what to expect. Also, they should know what kind of clothing and dress to pick out. Most importantly, when your date’s parents ask what you are doing, you will be able to give them a good answer. Very important.

HINT: Your date’s parents will know when you are not telling the truth…

The Date

~Picking Up Your Date~ Go up to the door to pick up your date.  I don’t care how scared you are to meet your date’s parents… you need to do it! Man up! My father was a very scary man to boys who came to pick me up. Most of them left the house shaking. Yet, the ones who manned up and did it earned not only my respect, but his. The ones who didn’t were quite simply not good enough.

HINT: Honking your horn for your date shows fear and a lack of respect. DON”T DO IT.
~Be Yourself~ The reason why your date said yes to you is because of you. If you pretend to be someone else it will only get harder, especially if you spend more time with that person. Really, trying to be someone other than you is just a big fat lie you have to keep up…how exhausting.

HINT: It is so much more fun being the nerd you really are inside.

~Conversations~ Believe it or not, you will have to talk to your date. It is a good idea to have a list of things in mind that are interesting about that person that you want to know more about. Ask questions and then listen to what they say. Answer questions you are asked. This is good manners.

HINT: Don’t sit and talk about yourself the entire night… boring.

~Put the Electronics Away~ You are out with someone to have fun with, talk to and have adventures. It is impossible to do any of this if your ear buds are in, attached to your text conversation or chatting with your friends on the phone. Unplug for the night.
~Respect Curfew~ Nothing good happens after curfew. Your date’s parents have a very good reason they want their son or daughter home by a certain time. Even if you don’t understand it, respect it. Chances are, if you do, you will be allowed to see your date again.

HINT: Being in the driveway ‘chatting’ in the car is not respecting curfew. Your date needs to be in the house for it to count.

~Respect Yourself~ Unfortunately there are times when your date is not very respectful of who you are and your standards. If this ever occurs, it is important that you remember: IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO AND MEAN IT. Stand up for yourself. Get out of the car. Walk away, get somewhere safe, and call someone. No one is worth giving up who you are inside.

~The Doorstep~ Every date has to come to an end. Remember curfew? Walk your date to the doorstep. This does not mean that you have to kiss them, it just means that you want to see them safely inside. Let your date know you had a good time (if you really did). Only tell them you are going to call them if it is the truth. Otherwise your date will be agonizing and staring at the phone for the next few days. Give their parents a break and be honest about calling this person.

Hopefully these teen dating tips will give you an idea of what to do when you are out with someone. My mom always used to say to me, “Remember who you are, use your manners and have fun.” She knew what she was talking about. Enjoy!

Source:  Modern Manners and Etiquette

Teen Relationships: Is your teen in a healthy relationship?

School is open and in full swing.  Many relationships are forming, some are going to be best friends forever and some are not.

Relationships are an essential part of life; without them, we would all wither and die of loneliness. However, there are times when relationships are the cause of immense suffering – when they’re abusive, one-sided or unhealthy, they tend to take more out of you than they give in return. It’s hard enough for adults to tackle relationships maturely, so when you know your teenager is interested in the opposite sex and has started to date, it’s only natural that your parental and protective instincts soar high. As long as your child is happy and cheerful for the most part, you don’t worry – you’re the indulgent parent watching your child grow into an adult. But when you sense that something is not right, when your gut feel tells you that the relationship your child is in is not healthy, you must do something to prevent them from getting into trouble or getting hurt.

• Some teens get into relationships that are abusive – their partner is physically violent or verbally abusive. If you see your child with bruises and cuts that they cannot explain properly or if you notice them crying or upset after a phone call or a text message or when they’re back from a date, it’s time to probe for more information and help them out.
• If your teen is a relationship that is proving to be distractive and detrimental to everything else in their life, you must do something to make them see sense. You don’t want your child to end up being a parent before they’ve gone to college and seen something of life, so even if you end up being labeled the villain, you must talk to them and make them understand that marriage straight out of high school is not an option even if they’ve found the love of their lives. It will be hard to make them understand your point of view, but you must try your best because you love your child and want the best for them.
• In worst case scenarios, your teen could also be involved with a much older person who could be married too – it’s not unheard of for girls to be swayed by the attention of older men who shower them with gifts and take advantage of them or for boys to get seduced by older women. If your child is hiding their significant other from you and acting weirdly, it’s time to get to the bottom of things. I don’t mean that you must pry into their lives, just that you must be careful to ensure that they don’t get trapped by older adults who take advantage of their gullibility.

Talking to your teen is not the easiest of things to do because they tend to guard their privacy fiercely and will resent you “butting in”. However, you must persist because your child’s emotional wellbeing is at stake. Be understanding yet firm in your desire to help; continue to offer to talk and be there for them when the dam breaks and they finally feel they’ve had enough. Don’t despair that your child has undergone a bad experience – they come out better because of it and avoid making the same mistake again.

Source and contributed by: Rachel Davis 

Women in Distress in Broward County for Teens offers a hotline, resources and valuable information for both parents and teens.

Be and educated parent, you will have safer teens.

Read more.

Sue Scheff: Teen Dating Abuse and Violence

With the recent gang rape of a 15 year-old girl in Richmond, California, our country is awakening to one of the ugliest forms of abuse to teens. Sexual abuse, assault and rape of teens are horrendous and more attention needs to be brought on this subject.

Teen dating violence and abuse is an issue parents need to be aware of and learn more about. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that was founded in 1991 by Liz Claiborne Inc. Everyone needs to take the time to be an educated parent; you will have a safer teen.

Love is Not Abuse posted an informational letter from an expert on Teen Dating Abuse. Please learn more now and explore their website for more resources.

A Letter to Parents on Teen Dating Abuse from Pediatrician and Expert, Dr. Elizabeth Miller

Dear Parents/Guardians/Educators,

As a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I am often asked by other parents to talk about the warning signs of dating abuse, what parents should be looking for, and how they can help their child navigate out of an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions.

A Common Characteristic

A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one's social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time "just the two of us," and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, "You must not love me."

Creating this isolation and dissolution of one's social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant.

Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. "They must love me because they just want to spend time with me."

Warning Signs

While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:

•no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
•wearing the same clothing
•distracted when spoken to
•constantly checking cell phone, gets extremely upset
when asked to turn phone off
•withdrawn, quieter than usual
•angry, irritable when asked how they are doing
•making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend
•showering immediately after getting home
•unexplained scratches or bruises

Sexual coercion and violence are also not uncommon in teen dating abuse. Again, because of the emotional abuse and control, victims of sexual violence may be convinced that they are to blame for what has happened. "You'd do this if you loved me" or "If you don't have sex with me, I'll leave you" are common examples of sexual coercion. In some instances, girls in abusive relationships describe how their partners actively tried to get them pregnant. Rarely do teens disclose such sexual abuse to their parents as they may feel shameful, guilty, and scared. Parents need to be aware of the possibility of sexual abuse, and to ensure that they communicate with their child that they are never to blame if someone tries to make them do things sexually that they don't want to do. And certainly, that no one ever has the right to put their hands on them, period. The physical and sexual violence can escalate quickly in these unhealthy relationships where the abusive partner has significant control over the other.

Advice for Parents

Perhaps the best advice for parents is to start talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on with your child. Sharing the warning signs of teen dating abuse with your child and saying, "If you know someone who's experiencing something like this, let's talk about it, let's talk about how you can be a good friend and help them stay safe." Please assure your child that they are not to blame for an unhealthy relationship, and that you are available to help them be safe and happy. Please avail yourself of the many good resources available on teen dating abuse for youth and adults.

For more information on teen dating violence and abuse: Stop It Now, MADE Coalition, Love is Respect, S.A.A.R.A., Rachel Simmons (Huffington Post).

Also on Examiner.com

Sue Scheff: Teens and Dating

By Denise Witmner at About.com

Teens need to learn many things while traveling through the life stage of adolescence. Help your teen learn about dating by knowing these five truths:

•It is normal for a teen to be interested in dating.
While some teens tend to be interested in dating earlier than others, it is a normal adolescent life stage experience for all teenagers. Girls are more vocal about the dating interest and tend to be interested to a greater degree at a younger age, but boys are paying attention also. There is no way around it; your teenager is going to want to date. When he/she does, you’ll have to step up to the plate with some parenting skills.(Try this parenting contract for teen dating too.)

•Teenagers do not know how to date.
A teen does not learn how to date in the classroom and most likely has only picked up on some of the basics, like respecting someone’s personal space, at home. But they haven’t learned the ins and outs of a give and take relationship yet. They will be learning this as they date, and ‘on the job’ type of training. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Do not be afraid to bring up these issues. Do not feel that they are not important. Teens that are taught values are important will look for dates with similar good values. That is who you want your teen dating, right?

•Teens whose parents talk to them about dating are better prepared and happier.
You want your teenager to grow up happy, so remember that happiness in life is found in the journey. While the topic of teens and dating can make the most confident parent nervous, you should do your best not to project those anxious feelings when discussing dating - and the rules and limits of dating - with your teen. Relax and have informative dating conversations that will strengthen your relationship with your teen and empower you both to enjoy this part of their life.

•Your teen will need privacy.
As parents, we are not very comfortable not knowing what is going on in our child’s life. But as your teen starts to date, you will need to take a step back and not try to know ‘everything’. You may at first have a hard time and feel like something is wrong. That is normal – your parenting role is changing. Change always feels awkward at first. On the other hand, your teenager may want to chat about the experience. He/she may have some questions to ask. If so, make yourself available. But remember to try not to ‘read into’ any of the questions and begin prying.

•Your teen will still need you to be ‘around’.
When you have one of your talks with your teen about dating, you will need to set up a pick up scenario. Teens are notorious for getting themselves into situations that they have a hard time getting out of by themselves. Many times this happens on dates. Therefore, let your teenager know you are available for a ride home. You will pick him/her up at anyplace or anytime, even three o’clock in the morning. You will do so without any consequences to your teenager with the understanding that everyone makes mistakes in judgment. You simply want your teen to be safe. Arguments, drinking, etc can all be a part of a bad dating experience. So, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be there for your teen.